Thursday, August 1, 2013
The last few years have been a series of life lessons on how to be crazy on a fixed income. I have survived with a few insane stories, a couple of amputations, and a greater sense of purpose. Coming home with a child on continuous oxygen and a bradycardia monitor that continuously false alarmed, I put my children at the forefront of my life and supported us with skills I did not know I possessed! I learned how to tread water and walk on quicksand. I developed a deep sense of gratitude and when necessary I learned how to let it all go especially the opinions of others. Acceptance without exception is tougher to live than to say. So, now I have read the signs in my life (trust me, we all have signs) and I am preparing to get back in the work force. Now don't get me wrong, I've been working nonstop since I came home with baby g, but my children and my support systems are stable enough that I can now honestly and earnestly began generating a real income for my little family.
The lessons I've learned when not knowing where my next anything would come from have prepared me to live well within my means. This was not something I always knew how to do well. I have also developed a great set of skills when it comes to playing defense with my dollars. Trusting spirit has turned into trusting myself. I am putting pieces in place to allow me and my littles to stabilize but more than that, I am preparing to restore some much needed self support systems into my routine. Operation Stabilization is about the priorities that mattered when there was nothing going deeper in and stronger. I am so ready.
I am ready to enter into my 39th year better, stronger, clearer. My littles are growing up, with baby g hanging in the kitchen while I cook gumbo and my big son doing reading lessons on the computer. My dear friend handling all the projects that have needed to be done forever. My world is becoming stronger from the center out and I am excited and nervous about this birthday coming. I am not sure what life has in specifics but I trust that my will, ability and alignment with my highest, clearest good will ensure that I stay with the Goddess plan. That I will live in love. And finally, that it will be a continuation of my crazy life!
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
This was taken last night. At around 6:20 I start a conversation with the berimbau and the fiddle responds. Then the fiddle leads and I respond.... it's magic!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
“Not all of us can do great things. But we can do small things with great love.”
― Mother Teresa
― Mother Teresa
The Theme is Love
After a series of disappointments and acceptances, our heroine was more committed than ever to her quest. She'd plunged into the brush, following the signs that led her on a path of self discovery. She had completed many missions and had come to understand her skill set, talents and gifts. She also understood all too well her vulnerabilities.
Her last brush with chance had shown her all to well, how good a travel companion could be. Their unexpected decision to recant their commitments, in actions followed by final utterances sealed the door on her open stance to new comers. She would still believe but her two young apprentices needed her, and she needed to trust in those who were reliable in action and words.
After a long arduous day of completing tasks our heroine found herself at her last stop for the night. A crowded coffee house, brightly lit and festive. The people awaited her arrival. She was bone tired, but she covered it, using the skills she'd learned a long the way. She was going 'on'. Many in the crowd had watched her journey but the rest were new to her and she had a message to give. This was her walk. Greeted outside by a few trusted comrades. She entered knowing she was on. It was time to unveil her starlight.
"The theme for tonight is love," she said to the shining faces looking back at her from the other side of the microphone. And she began revealing herself, song after song, message after message, layer after layer. All shared from her heart. That is her power source, her heart. She finished and walked the room offering the part of herself she'd captured on disc to those in attendance. She greeted and smiled and shined her starlight until able to sit and clasp her number 1 apprentice in her arms and lap for a while before heading back out to finally make it home.
She thought about love and friendship. She thought about acceptance. She thought of the one she missed. She thought of all the battles behind and all the battles to come. These thoughts floated thru her mind as the newest light sharers took the stage. A duo. She listened but only with half her mind until one said, so I've come to ask you this question. Her focus zoomed in as she watched him walk to a woman in the audience box in hand. See the theme for the night was love she'd said. Nearly every following sharer had stayed true to the vein she'd initiated. They'd even celebrated the two newly wed couples in attendance. So when he dropped to his knee, she rose to her feet. When he asked, her eyes grew wide. She heard the reply. YES. And she like every other in the room cheered! She even jumped up and down in that moment of communal celebration and jubilee! Wow! In that moment, she'd witnessed the fruits of that particular tree. Love was the theme, she'd read it, called it, and witnessed the confirmation. Love!
The glow in the room slowly moved to warm fuzzy feelings and our heroine had to move along to get her small family home. She talked to a friend to keep her awake. She carried her wee ones to their beds and found her way to her own. Tomorrow a new day, she reflected on her loves and she drifted off to sleep.
December 7, 2012 at 11:21am
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
To the Soul
There is a formula
when bass meets drum,
A reason why
the electronics had to come in
what could not be replicated.
Messages carried on waves
that were the cause and the effect.
Merging Yin and Yang with gospel and truth.
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
Somewhere between 23 and 30, a very specific thought crystallized in my being. I am ULTIMATELY responsible for the life I live. Not one blame could be given to anyone for any reason. That wasn't and isn't an easy pill to swallow. Here I am a completely transformed life a way from that woman who was miserably trying to make her former husband happy.
There's this comfort I used to wrap myself in called victim hood. At 32 a girlfriend and I held a burning in Effigy. My reason - the bitch had to die. The me that had taken pride in being treated poorly would surely kill me if I did not act fast. Martyrdom did not fit well with my new found power. The power of responsibility. Ownership. SELF-LOVE. In order to truly love myself I would have to kill the victim and be. Now that journey between 23 and 30 was not for suckers. I journeyed a real life, yet somewhere in that process of being, going and seeing; loving began to take precedent. I decided to love me better.
I loved myself enough to walk away from anything that was causing my soul pain. This ain't that fly by night you hurt me now I'm running pain. This is that I stayed way to long in my misery type pain. Jobs, homes, and people. It was less about not loving them as much as it was about loving me.
I decided that I would Love me and find all the areas in my life that I had said no too because I was choosing to suffer. The important part of that statement is I was choosing. I could not blame my then husband or my mother or father. I couldn't even blame myself. I had to deal with my inner critic with love. The same way that I was loving my child. No blame, no victims, just experiences.
This does not mean that I don't hurt!
I hurt and get hurt! I do not deny my pain anymore, nor do I project it, wallow in it, or justify it. I simply accept it. That's the hardest lesson for me these days still. Acceptance without exception! The gift of this new ownership of self has meant joy, honesty and integrity in my life in ways that are unimaginable. I am moving in real ways that feel like Everyday Magic. In taking ownership I have began to create a world of my own design!
Now I don't expect everyone to experience life like I have...... but I do believe from the depths of my being that owning your own life is freedom. And that's the land I live in.
Til next time