Somewhere between 23 and 30, a very specific thought crystallized in my being. I am ULTIMATELY responsible for the life I live. Not one blame could be given to anyone for any reason. That wasn't and isn't an easy pill to swallow. Here I am a completely transformed life a way from that woman who was miserably trying to make her former husband happy.
There's this comfort I used to wrap myself in called victim hood. At 32 a girlfriend and I held a burning in Effigy. My reason - the bitch had to die. The me that had taken pride in being treated poorly would surely kill me if I did not act fast. Martyrdom did not fit well with my new found power. The power of responsibility. Ownership. SELF-LOVE. In order to truly love myself I would have to kill the victim and be. Now that journey between 23 and 30 was not for suckers. I journeyed a real life, yet somewhere in that process of being, going and seeing; loving began to take precedent. I decided to love me better.
I loved myself enough to walk away from anything that was causing my soul pain. This ain't that fly by night you hurt me now I'm running pain. This is that I stayed way to long in my misery type pain. Jobs, homes, and people. It was less about not loving them as much as it was about loving me.
I decided that I would Love me and find all the areas in my life that I had said no too because I was choosing to suffer. The important part of that statement is I was choosing. I could not blame my then husband or my mother or father. I couldn't even blame myself. I had to deal with my inner critic with love. The same way that I was loving my child. No blame, no victims, just experiences.
This does not mean that I don't hurt!
I hurt and get hurt! I do not deny my pain anymore, nor do I project it, wallow in it, or justify it. I simply accept it. That's the hardest lesson for me these days still. Acceptance without exception! The gift of this new ownership of self has meant joy, honesty and integrity in my life in ways that are unimaginable. I am moving in real ways that feel like Everyday Magic. In taking ownership I have began to create a world of my own design!
Now I don't expect everyone to experience life like I have...... but I do believe from the depths of my being that owning your own life is freedom. And that's the land I live in.
Til next time