Operation Stabilization

The last few years have been a series of life lessons on how to be crazy on a fixed income. I have survived with a few insane stories, a couple of amputations, and a greater sense of purpose. Coming home with a child on continuous oxygen and a bradycardia monitor that continuously false alarmed, I put my children at the forefront of my life and supported us with skills I did not know I possessed! I learned how to tread water and walk on quicksand. I developed a deep sense of gratitude and when necessary I learned how to let it all go especially the opinions of others. Acceptance without exception is tougher to live than to say. So, now I have read the signs in my life (trust me, we all have signs) and I am preparing to get back in the work force. Now don't get me wrong, I've been working nonstop since I came home with baby g, but my children and my support systems are stable enough that I can now honestly and earnestly began generating a real income for my little family.

The lessons I've learned when not knowing where my next anything would come from have prepared me to live well within my means. This was not something I always knew how to do well. I have also developed a great set of skills when it comes to playing defense with my dollars. Trusting spirit has turned into trusting myself. I am putting pieces in place to allow me and my littles to stabilize but more than that, I am preparing to restore some much needed self support systems into my routine. Operation Stabilization is about the priorities that mattered when there was nothing going deeper in and stronger. I am so ready.

I am ready to enter into my 39th year better, stronger, clearer. My littles are growing up, with baby g hanging in the kitchen while I cook gumbo and my big son doing reading lessons on the computer. My dear friend handling all the projects that have needed to be done forever. My world is becoming stronger from the center out and I am excited and nervous about this birthday coming. I am not sure what life has in specifics but I trust that my will, ability and alignment with my highest, clearest good will ensure that I stay with the Goddess plan. That I will live in love. And finally, that it will be a continuation of my crazy life!

With love
Ama

The Land of the Free

Somewhere between 23 and 30, a very specific thought crystallized in my being. I am ULTIMATELY responsible for the life I live. Not one blame could be given to anyone for any reason. That wasn't and isn't an easy pill to swallow. Here I am a completely transformed life a way from that woman who was miserably trying to make her former husband happy.

There's this comfort I used to wrap myself in called victim hood. At 32 a girlfriend and I held a burning in Effigy. My reason - the bitch had to die. The me that had taken pride in being treated poorly would surely kill me if I did not act fast. Martyrdom did not fit well with my new found power. The power of responsibility. Ownership. SELF-LOVE. In order to truly love myself I would have to kill the victim and be. Now that journey between 23 and 30 was not for suckers. I journeyed a real life, yet somewhere in that process of being, going and seeing; loving began to take precedent. I decided to love me better.

I loved myself enough to walk away from anything that was causing my soul pain. This ain't that fly by night you hurt me now I'm running pain. This is that I stayed way to long in my misery type pain. Jobs, homes, and people. It was less about not loving them as much as it was about loving me. 

Unapologetically.

Beautifully.

Unconditionally.

Radically.

I decided that I would Love me and find all the areas in my life that I had said no too because I was choosing to suffer. The important part of that statement is I was choosing. I could not blame my then husband or my mother or father. I couldn't even blame myself. I had to deal with my inner critic with love. The same way that I was loving my child. No blame, no victims, just experiences.

 

This does not mean that I don't hurt!

 

I hurt and get hurt! I do not deny my pain anymore, nor do I project it, wallow in it, or justify it. I simply accept it. That's the hardest lesson for me these days still. Acceptance without exception! The gift of this new ownership of self has meant joy, honesty and integrity in my life in ways that are unimaginable. I am moving in real ways that feel like Everyday Magic. In taking ownership I have began to create a world of my own design!

  Free by Ama Chandra

Now I don't expect everyone to experience life like I have...... but I do believe from the depths of my being that owning your own life is freedom. And that's the land I live in.

Til next time

- Ama

www.amachandra.com